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Views on Emotional Intimacy
Compare the responses given from a woman and a man
Introduction
Emotional intimacy is not the same as sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy can take place with or without emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy often does not occur within any kind of sexual context.
Emotional intimacy is a psychological event that occurs when the trust level and communication between two people is such that it fosters the mutual sharing of each other’s innermost selves. It can be an unbridled mutual self disclosure. Open honesty, vulnerable, fearless and free.
Sadly, a lacking of emotional intimacy in relationships is common, and as a result we pay a heavy price. Its absence can easily be witnessed by way of strained and failed relationships of those all around us, and in a larger context, reflected within the highest divorce rates ever in history.
In our most intimate relationships, we seek to feel completely accepted, respected, worthy, and even admired in the eyes of our mate. Most would like their relationship to be a comfortable place for when they are weary, a place of compassion and support, and security.
Emotional intimacy is needed for these feelings to develop and continue, and when there is a lacking of it the relationship breaks down. Far too often one or both parties search to have these needs filled outside of the relationship which usually makes matters worse.
Two questions posed and answered by a male friend from Australia and then myself
Here are our unchanged and unmatched answers.
Why is this quality so often missing from our relationships?
Men are taught by society to be tough on the outside, which requires us to be tough on the inside too. There’s a fine line between being a “real man” and also an emotionally intimate partner. We feel that if we openly show our emotions, even to our partner, we will be viewed as weak or lacking.
What do you think when you see a grown man cry? Do you say to yourself:
1. “That guy is emotionally well connected.”.....or
2. “That guy is a basket case.”
This perception starts at a very early age with phrases like, “big boys don’t cry.” This expectation is bashed into us throughout our entire life. A lifetime of building emotional barriers, so that we don’t cry every time things get tough, creates a wall between us and our emotions.
As men in today’s world, we must make the time to first explore and recognize our emotional selves before we can learn to share it. And it’s not something we can simply turn on or off at will in the beginning...learning to be emotionally intimate takes practice!
Before spending any time learning and practicing real personal development techniques, I didn’t really know what ‘emotional intimacy’ was or how it actually felt.
My experience with intimacy in many of my previous relationships was purely sexual, as it is with many men I council. And whilst the sex may have been good at the time, I never allowed the emotional intimacy, which should have been a result of this physical union, to emerge onto my emotional landscape.
My explorations into growing my emotional intimacy have been tedious at best. A lifetime of living in a closed emotional state takes time to unravel. The first exercises I experimented with were learning to remove from my emotional state those aspects of myself which did not serve me, such as anger and jealousy.
These emotional demons kept me from creating any sense of emotional intimacy.
These controlling emotional states are common in many men, so suppressing them is required before you can experience any outbound emotional growth.
Take the time to communicate internally with your emotions and you’ll better understand how to utilize them in your relationships with others. You must know how to access them before you can use them.
If emotional intimacy is the glue that holds our unions together, why do we seem to avoid it like the plague?
All species are driven by two common elements...the avoidance of pain and the pursuit of pleasure.
We avoid emotional intimacy because for most men it is uncomfortable and even painful to be emotional. Once again, this concept of emotional intimacy is construed as a feminine trait and accessing it only weakens us.
Many men I work with have simply never invested the time to grow this part of themselves, so without the physical emotive substance there to work with, there can be no emotional cohesion. If you don’t know how to use the tools, and there are no building materials, you can’t build a house.
I have found, after many years of serious self analysis, that once I was able to suppress and control those outrageously powerful negative emotions, I could then start to become more comfortable with accessing the slowly developing positive emotions.
I believe it is these positive aspects of ourselves which promote the ‘emotional intimacy’ missing from so many relationships. And if you are only used to accessing the negative side of your emotional self, then you probably view intimacy as something to avoid, just like the plague.
Once we understood what a virus was, we were then able to design a cure and conquer the scourge of the plague.
Once you understand the impact of your negative or misleading emotions in your relationship, you’ll then be able to design the emotional “glue” (the cure) required to create emotional intimacy within it.
Learning these lessons does take patience, practice and tenacity!
I have not read the above answers. Yes, I wanted to but until this is posted I will not read them.
Here are my female views on the same two questions.
Why is this quality so often missing from our relationships?
I feel that intimacy seems to be absent because trust is so hard to discover in today’s world. We are all so well educated in what men and women are up to these days. Internet, news, magazines, all of the media have us aware that we are cheaters, dishonest and usually thinking about someone else. This has caused a breakdown of trust.
How can you trust your partner or be open and vulnerable to him/her when you are thinking he wants someone else. Media has painted pictures for us, that beauty is skin deep, that you have to be thin to be sexually attractive, hence forcing humans to feel less desirable.
Think for a minute, do you feel wanted after watching a movie or even a commercial with your partner, of some perfect media image. Of course not, you feel inwardly uncomfortable. This is a tactic well used by media.
It is difficult to feel completely open and honest and vulnerable when the world seems so dishonest. We have all been hurt in some way. And as we all know trust is very hard to create in new relationships. Years ago men and women stayed together for 50 or more years, never having to worry about starting over with someone who had a strong history with someone else, you know the first love, the one that broke their heart, their confidence.
In today’s world, people are experiencing more casual relationships while still opening up to hurt, pain and love. Creating burdens to carried forward to the next partner. Sometimes so much so it is impossible to work through.
This in turn creates the issue of trust- if you have been hurt before, this one too will do the same. ‘They are all the same’, I have heard this so many times from clients. So many men and women believe that there is no honesty left, and that all humans will lie and cheat no matter how hard they work at a relationship. They go into a relationship thinking it will fail and are never able to experience an intimate moment based on their inability to trust. This is a sad truth. Dr. David Daniels says that we are all searching for four things to be stable in life, love, acceptance, honour and respect. These four gifts are ever more difficult to find in our hermit culture we are experiencing today. We hide within ourselves, our work and our homes.
I have had an experience where I was in love, and wanted to share my life with a man I completely felt happy with. After several months of dating he admitted he had some mental issues and I was still willing to go forward. Soon he would talk for hours about his past relationship, cry on my shoulder about how it hurt, and how deeply in love he was. I listened and I helped him night after night feel accepted and loved. I allowed him to be so open, and vulnerable, I was so in love with him and more than willing to be there for him. Admittedly it hurt to hear that his heart obviously still belonged to his past relationship and that the love I was feeling was not returned. He could not, he was so wrapped up in his past.
I stayed with him for a very long time, hoping my love and my openness would help heal him. It did not. He became very depressed and confused and I had to end the relationship.
2 years later I met up with him and we spoke about the experience we had together. He admitted that he was so wrapped up in his issues that he was unable to see how open and intimate I was being with him, how caring and kind I was, and how ready I was to accept him as he was.
He said “I was so hurt, I thought you would hurt me as well, so I never allowed myself to feel. The words ‘I love you’ were only words, they had no meaning until you were gone.”
You can imagine that those words hurt; I was sad and somewhat shocked to think I had opened up to him so deeply and it turned out to be nothing but therapy for him.
He admitted that he needed me to help him wake up and come to terms with his mess of a life. So what did I do? Do you think I closed down and hid inside, full of anger, pain, confusion and upset? No way, I was right back at it as soon as I could be.
I love being in love, being happy and sharing my life experience. Intimacy to me is a gift that we need to share. Many of my friends know that I am a very emotional woman and that I need love, from friends, family and my partner. I am so fortunate to be in a relationship now where intimacy is present. We are both able to be vulnerable, open and free. This is an amazing gift.
In today’s hermit culture, we rarely interact with those we do not know. Because of this we create a cocoon around our lives and in turn make it very difficult to open up and be close to anyone, especially someone who will potentially hurt us, such as lovers, friends, and life partners.
More and more people are choosing to be single for most of their lives. There is a consensus that it is lonely, but that there are plenty of people to connect with via the internet, television and at work. No intimacy there.
As you can see there is an issue with the way we interact with other humans, we are fearful for so many reasons, as the world has been so untrusting for so long.
We often hear things were simple back in the…wait when were they simple? The truth is there have not been simple times. Throughout history we have been faced with war, famine, recession, fear and conflict.
There have always been times of difficulty, so why are we not learning from this and breaking free from the controls of media, and those that live in fear.
Why do we not let our guard down and experience intimacy with other humans?
The answer is fear.
A ‘false emotion appearing real’ that keeps us from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.
Test yourself, today with someone close to you, open up even for a minute; let someone know something intimate about you. How you feel about them, truly without fear. Is it an easy thing for you to do or are you scared to be so open?
Let go of the fact that you may be hurt. Being intimate can be so rewarding, you will feel free and happy and full of love if you do. Realistically, you may also be hurt, but is it not better to have experience than to never feel?
If emotional intimacy is the glue that holds our unions together, why do we seem to avoid it like the plague?
Because we seek the four essential emotional gifts from other humans, love, acceptance, honour and respect we often are fearful of being vulnerable in the event of pain. Think of how many times in your life you have felt emotional pain.
As a child, adolescent and an adult, there have been countless times you have experienced some degree of pain, some more severe than others. Have you allowed yourself to heal completely from the experience or have you used it as armour, a shield to your true inner self? Are you so deeply buried in your pain armour that you cannot feel, cannot reach out and open up? Many are.
And this is the reason so many people avoid intimacy. Men and women for years have told me that they love their partners but they just want more intimacy. They want their spouse, partner to open up and be expressive, loving, giving, free with them; that all they crave is to feel trusted and to love or be loved unconditionally. To be accepted for whom they truly are, not the person that the world sees, but the person that is only shown to the one you trust and love.
So many people say this,
” I cannot truly be myself with him/her”.
“I cannot open up and relax”,
“I feel that I am always walking on egg shells around him/her”.
So many people say that they cannot get their partner to talk about anything that has to do with feelings. This is the issue we face as the intimacy plague stretches around the world.
We are all so afraid of being hurt that we have buried ourselves in our jobs, television, internet and anything that does not demand that we feel.
The sad truth is that the union of marriage is not what it should be, it is not a sacred place to feel safe, loved, accepted and trusted. It has broken down. We are the ones that need to create a new union, a new marriage with ourselves. We need to heal the issues of the past, free ourselves from the pain that we experienced and open up to the potentials of the future. This is how we will create new glue in new relationships, without fear. Before you enter into another relationship, let the old one go. Your future partner is not the same as the one you have experienced, nor is the love you will experience. There are no two people alike, thank God for that. So you can rest assured that what was will never happen again unless you yourself create it.
Stop avoiding intimacy, open up to it, be honest with yourself about how you feel about others and love. You only have fear to fear.
I wish you all intimacy, if only with yourself.
**********************************************************************
I have prepared two recipes that may help an intimate event unfold.
First recipe is called Letting It Go.
A recipe for intimacy and mind relaxing.
I want you to find a quiet place, and relax in a comfortable position.
Quiet your mind with deep breathing.
As you exhale think of your fear of intimacy as a balloon.
I want you to exhale and breathe out slowly as you imagine the balloons filled with your fear lifting off and leaving you.
Let it go.
Breathe it away, as you are relaxing and exhaling you are freeing your mind and heart of intimate fear.
See your balloons disappear in the distance. They have no value to you, to your life and to your relationship.
Release all your fears this way and allow your mind to open and your heart to open to love. Think these words- I am worthy of love, I am safe to love. I am free to love.
Your second recipe
is for a fun tasty snack to be shared in an intimate way. Feed your partner his/her portion. Connect to them and be playful. You will love this experience, as you will be opening the doors to intimacy.
The Intimacy Snack
½ cup hummus place in small serving dish
½ cup taziki place in small serving dish
½ cup your favourite fruit dip place in small serving dish
Cut up your favourite vegetables into bite sized portions, your preference.
Baby carrots-Celery stick-Cucumber slices-Broccoli-Cauliflower
Cut up some of your favourite fruit into bite sized portion, your preference.
Kiwi-Strawberry-Grapes-Apple-Pineapple-Pears-Banana
Cut up bite size portions of cheese, your preference.
Cheddar-Gouda-Asiago-Marble-Mozzarella
Small amounts of crackers, flat breads or pretzels.
Arrange all ingredients on a tray.
Do not use forks.
Feed your partner his/her favourites from the tray.
Talk to your partner, let them know who you are, what you like, want, need. This is a way to get them to open up as well. Introduce this as the intimacy snack. Let them know that this is to get closer, to be respectful and to honour each other.
Enjoy.
Compare the responses given from a woman and a man
Introduction
Emotional intimacy is not the same as sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy can take place with or without emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy often does not occur within any kind of sexual context.
Emotional intimacy is a psychological event that occurs when the trust level and communication between two people is such that it fosters the mutual sharing of each other’s innermost selves. It can be an unbridled mutual self disclosure. Open honesty, vulnerable, fearless and free.
Sadly, a lacking of emotional intimacy in relationships is common, and as a result we pay a heavy price. Its absence can easily be witnessed by way of strained and failed relationships of those all around us, and in a larger context, reflected within the highest divorce rates ever in history.
In our most intimate relationships, we seek to feel completely accepted, respected, worthy, and even admired in the eyes of our mate. Most would like their relationship to be a comfortable place for when they are weary, a place of compassion and support, and security.
Emotional intimacy is needed for these feelings to develop and continue, and when there is a lacking of it the relationship breaks down. Far too often one or both parties search to have these needs filled outside of the relationship which usually makes matters worse.
Two questions posed and answered by a male friend from Australia and then myself
Here are our unchanged and unmatched answers.
Why is this quality so often missing from our relationships?
Men are taught by society to be tough on the outside, which requires us to be tough on the inside too. There’s a fine line between being a “real man” and also an emotionally intimate partner. We feel that if we openly show our emotions, even to our partner, we will be viewed as weak or lacking.
What do you think when you see a grown man cry? Do you say to yourself:
1. “That guy is emotionally well connected.”.....or
2. “That guy is a basket case.”
This perception starts at a very early age with phrases like, “big boys don’t cry.” This expectation is bashed into us throughout our entire life. A lifetime of building emotional barriers, so that we don’t cry every time things get tough, creates a wall between us and our emotions.
As men in today’s world, we must make the time to first explore and recognize our emotional selves before we can learn to share it. And it’s not something we can simply turn on or off at will in the beginning...learning to be emotionally intimate takes practice!
Before spending any time learning and practicing real personal development techniques, I didn’t really know what ‘emotional intimacy’ was or how it actually felt.
My experience with intimacy in many of my previous relationships was purely sexual, as it is with many men I council. And whilst the sex may have been good at the time, I never allowed the emotional intimacy, which should have been a result of this physical union, to emerge onto my emotional landscape.
My explorations into growing my emotional intimacy have been tedious at best. A lifetime of living in a closed emotional state takes time to unravel. The first exercises I experimented with were learning to remove from my emotional state those aspects of myself which did not serve me, such as anger and jealousy.
These emotional demons kept me from creating any sense of emotional intimacy.
These controlling emotional states are common in many men, so suppressing them is required before you can experience any outbound emotional growth.
Take the time to communicate internally with your emotions and you’ll better understand how to utilize them in your relationships with others. You must know how to access them before you can use them.
If emotional intimacy is the glue that holds our unions together, why do we seem to avoid it like the plague?
All species are driven by two common elements...the avoidance of pain and the pursuit of pleasure.
We avoid emotional intimacy because for most men it is uncomfortable and even painful to be emotional. Once again, this concept of emotional intimacy is construed as a feminine trait and accessing it only weakens us.
Many men I work with have simply never invested the time to grow this part of themselves, so without the physical emotive substance there to work with, there can be no emotional cohesion. If you don’t know how to use the tools, and there are no building materials, you can’t build a house.
I have found, after many years of serious self analysis, that once I was able to suppress and control those outrageously powerful negative emotions, I could then start to become more comfortable with accessing the slowly developing positive emotions.
I believe it is these positive aspects of ourselves which promote the ‘emotional intimacy’ missing from so many relationships. And if you are only used to accessing the negative side of your emotional self, then you probably view intimacy as something to avoid, just like the plague.
Once we understood what a virus was, we were then able to design a cure and conquer the scourge of the plague.
Once you understand the impact of your negative or misleading emotions in your relationship, you’ll then be able to design the emotional “glue” (the cure) required to create emotional intimacy within it.
Learning these lessons does take patience, practice and tenacity!
I have not read the above answers. Yes, I wanted to but until this is posted I will not read them.
Here are my female views on the same two questions.
Why is this quality so often missing from our relationships?
I feel that intimacy seems to be absent because trust is so hard to discover in today’s world. We are all so well educated in what men and women are up to these days. Internet, news, magazines, all of the media have us aware that we are cheaters, dishonest and usually thinking about someone else. This has caused a breakdown of trust.
How can you trust your partner or be open and vulnerable to him/her when you are thinking he wants someone else. Media has painted pictures for us, that beauty is skin deep, that you have to be thin to be sexually attractive, hence forcing humans to feel less desirable.
Think for a minute, do you feel wanted after watching a movie or even a commercial with your partner, of some perfect media image. Of course not, you feel inwardly uncomfortable. This is a tactic well used by media.
It is difficult to feel completely open and honest and vulnerable when the world seems so dishonest. We have all been hurt in some way. And as we all know trust is very hard to create in new relationships. Years ago men and women stayed together for 50 or more years, never having to worry about starting over with someone who had a strong history with someone else, you know the first love, the one that broke their heart, their confidence.
In today’s world, people are experiencing more casual relationships while still opening up to hurt, pain and love. Creating burdens to carried forward to the next partner. Sometimes so much so it is impossible to work through.
This in turn creates the issue of trust- if you have been hurt before, this one too will do the same. ‘They are all the same’, I have heard this so many times from clients. So many men and women believe that there is no honesty left, and that all humans will lie and cheat no matter how hard they work at a relationship. They go into a relationship thinking it will fail and are never able to experience an intimate moment based on their inability to trust. This is a sad truth. Dr. David Daniels says that we are all searching for four things to be stable in life, love, acceptance, honour and respect. These four gifts are ever more difficult to find in our hermit culture we are experiencing today. We hide within ourselves, our work and our homes.
I have had an experience where I was in love, and wanted to share my life with a man I completely felt happy with. After several months of dating he admitted he had some mental issues and I was still willing to go forward. Soon he would talk for hours about his past relationship, cry on my shoulder about how it hurt, and how deeply in love he was. I listened and I helped him night after night feel accepted and loved. I allowed him to be so open, and vulnerable, I was so in love with him and more than willing to be there for him. Admittedly it hurt to hear that his heart obviously still belonged to his past relationship and that the love I was feeling was not returned. He could not, he was so wrapped up in his past.
I stayed with him for a very long time, hoping my love and my openness would help heal him. It did not. He became very depressed and confused and I had to end the relationship.
2 years later I met up with him and we spoke about the experience we had together. He admitted that he was so wrapped up in his issues that he was unable to see how open and intimate I was being with him, how caring and kind I was, and how ready I was to accept him as he was.
He said “I was so hurt, I thought you would hurt me as well, so I never allowed myself to feel. The words ‘I love you’ were only words, they had no meaning until you were gone.”
You can imagine that those words hurt; I was sad and somewhat shocked to think I had opened up to him so deeply and it turned out to be nothing but therapy for him.
He admitted that he needed me to help him wake up and come to terms with his mess of a life. So what did I do? Do you think I closed down and hid inside, full of anger, pain, confusion and upset? No way, I was right back at it as soon as I could be.
I love being in love, being happy and sharing my life experience. Intimacy to me is a gift that we need to share. Many of my friends know that I am a very emotional woman and that I need love, from friends, family and my partner. I am so fortunate to be in a relationship now where intimacy is present. We are both able to be vulnerable, open and free. This is an amazing gift.
In today’s hermit culture, we rarely interact with those we do not know. Because of this we create a cocoon around our lives and in turn make it very difficult to open up and be close to anyone, especially someone who will potentially hurt us, such as lovers, friends, and life partners.
More and more people are choosing to be single for most of their lives. There is a consensus that it is lonely, but that there are plenty of people to connect with via the internet, television and at work. No intimacy there.
As you can see there is an issue with the way we interact with other humans, we are fearful for so many reasons, as the world has been so untrusting for so long.
We often hear things were simple back in the…wait when were they simple? The truth is there have not been simple times. Throughout history we have been faced with war, famine, recession, fear and conflict.
There have always been times of difficulty, so why are we not learning from this and breaking free from the controls of media, and those that live in fear.
Why do we not let our guard down and experience intimacy with other humans?
The answer is fear.
A ‘false emotion appearing real’ that keeps us from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.
Test yourself, today with someone close to you, open up even for a minute; let someone know something intimate about you. How you feel about them, truly without fear. Is it an easy thing for you to do or are you scared to be so open?
Let go of the fact that you may be hurt. Being intimate can be so rewarding, you will feel free and happy and full of love if you do. Realistically, you may also be hurt, but is it not better to have experience than to never feel?
If emotional intimacy is the glue that holds our unions together, why do we seem to avoid it like the plague?
Because we seek the four essential emotional gifts from other humans, love, acceptance, honour and respect we often are fearful of being vulnerable in the event of pain. Think of how many times in your life you have felt emotional pain.
As a child, adolescent and an adult, there have been countless times you have experienced some degree of pain, some more severe than others. Have you allowed yourself to heal completely from the experience or have you used it as armour, a shield to your true inner self? Are you so deeply buried in your pain armour that you cannot feel, cannot reach out and open up? Many are.
And this is the reason so many people avoid intimacy. Men and women for years have told me that they love their partners but they just want more intimacy. They want their spouse, partner to open up and be expressive, loving, giving, free with them; that all they crave is to feel trusted and to love or be loved unconditionally. To be accepted for whom they truly are, not the person that the world sees, but the person that is only shown to the one you trust and love.
So many people say this,
” I cannot truly be myself with him/her”.
“I cannot open up and relax”,
“I feel that I am always walking on egg shells around him/her”.
So many people say that they cannot get their partner to talk about anything that has to do with feelings. This is the issue we face as the intimacy plague stretches around the world.
We are all so afraid of being hurt that we have buried ourselves in our jobs, television, internet and anything that does not demand that we feel.
The sad truth is that the union of marriage is not what it should be, it is not a sacred place to feel safe, loved, accepted and trusted. It has broken down. We are the ones that need to create a new union, a new marriage with ourselves. We need to heal the issues of the past, free ourselves from the pain that we experienced and open up to the potentials of the future. This is how we will create new glue in new relationships, without fear. Before you enter into another relationship, let the old one go. Your future partner is not the same as the one you have experienced, nor is the love you will experience. There are no two people alike, thank God for that. So you can rest assured that what was will never happen again unless you yourself create it.
Stop avoiding intimacy, open up to it, be honest with yourself about how you feel about others and love. You only have fear to fear.
I wish you all intimacy, if only with yourself.
**********************************************************************
I have prepared two recipes that may help an intimate event unfold.
First recipe is called Letting It Go.
A recipe for intimacy and mind relaxing.
I want you to find a quiet place, and relax in a comfortable position.
Quiet your mind with deep breathing.
As you exhale think of your fear of intimacy as a balloon.
I want you to exhale and breathe out slowly as you imagine the balloons filled with your fear lifting off and leaving you.
Let it go.
Breathe it away, as you are relaxing and exhaling you are freeing your mind and heart of intimate fear.
See your balloons disappear in the distance. They have no value to you, to your life and to your relationship.
Release all your fears this way and allow your mind to open and your heart to open to love. Think these words- I am worthy of love, I am safe to love. I am free to love.
Your second recipe
is for a fun tasty snack to be shared in an intimate way. Feed your partner his/her portion. Connect to them and be playful. You will love this experience, as you will be opening the doors to intimacy.
The Intimacy Snack
½ cup hummus place in small serving dish
½ cup taziki place in small serving dish
½ cup your favourite fruit dip place in small serving dish
Cut up your favourite vegetables into bite sized portions, your preference.
Baby carrots-Celery stick-Cucumber slices-Broccoli-Cauliflower
Cut up some of your favourite fruit into bite sized portion, your preference.
Kiwi-Strawberry-Grapes-Apple-Pineapple-Pears-Banana
Cut up bite size portions of cheese, your preference.
Cheddar-Gouda-Asiago-Marble-Mozzarella
Small amounts of crackers, flat breads or pretzels.
Arrange all ingredients on a tray.
Do not use forks.
Feed your partner his/her favourites from the tray.
Talk to your partner, let them know who you are, what you like, want, need. This is a way to get them to open up as well. Introduce this as the intimacy snack. Let them know that this is to get closer, to be respectful and to honour each other.
Enjoy.